Like a lot of my blog articles, Should You Even Be Dating? applies to the masses: women, men, young, old, and all over the world.
We live in a beautiful, fun world but sometimes there are things that happen to many of us that create issues within ourselves. These incidents could be conscious or subconscious in nature and could have happened at any point in our lives.
For instance, when I was in middle school I was bullied on the bus to the point where I was terrified to ride the bus. Because of this, I didn’t want to open up to new people and I will admit, I’m still this way. It’s become my nature now. (I should really work on being more friendly to strangers.)
But going through the things I’ve gone through have had some positives—for instance, it’s helped me become VERY INSIGHTFUL—which works well when it comes to helping others.
And here I am to help you.
It seems like everyone is dating—and failing at it. Some TV shows (like the 1990s favorite Sex In the City) center around dating and how ridiculously bad it can be: female characters who regularly come across commit-phobes, alcoholics, creeps, perverts and guys with mommy issues (to name but a few).
And it’s easy for a person (whether male or female) to point the finger at others and say, I only meet people who aren’t right for me…. instead of doing the essential thing—to stop and learn why he or she fails repeatedly at finding the right person.
Because—and let’s get real—the problem might not be others… it could be you.
How can I be so blunt?
Well, I’m not making a personal attack. Heck, if you’re reading this article you and I both know you’re an action-taker and you’ve come to the right place and that deserves a high-five and a smile.
There’s a chance you’re currently in a place in your life where you shouldn’t be dating. And to help you realize if this is or isn’t the case, I’ve created a list of reasons why you shouldn’t be dating.
Read it, consider it, and if you find a reason (or reasons) below that applies to you, stop dating until you have conquered that problem or situation.
And some of you will have questions or comments, so please comment below—I’m here to help you.
So let’s begin. Get ready….
Should You Even Be Dating?
1.You’re Too Busy—It seems obvious, but I know a lot of women who are simply too busy to successfully commit to a relationship.
I live in Los Angeles where a lot of women have great careers. They make good money and do what they love but their time is wrapped around their job. They don’t have a lot of free time to date. Yet they try to—which results in guys coming and going.
And why is this? Quite simply… because guys aren’t going to wait around for a woman. Well, the alpha ones won’t. They want to see a woman on a semi-consistent basis so they can get to know her to learn if she has inward beauty to go along with her outward beauty and if a woman rarely has time to see a man (I’m talking once a week) or she keeps canceling her dates with him he’ll get the gist and will move on to meeting a woman whom he can actually get to know.
Of course, the solution to this is to free up more time to date. For instance, a busy woman can get an assistant to lighten her workload in order to have time for a few dates.
And if a career woman is simply too busy to date then she shouldn’t—because it’s not fair to the guy, either (unless the woman is up-front from the start about not being able to see him on a semi-consistent basis; she must give the guy the right to decide and to not make him find out on his own that she’s simply too busy to date him).
2. You’re Not Over the Last Guy—When a woman isn’t over the last man she’s dated she typically attempts to meet new guys in hopes this action will somehow help reduce the strong feelings she feels for the man she’s not yet over…
…or maybe she’s attempting to date other guys because she sees the guy she’s not over has started dating other women; at any rate, it’s not the right thing to do.
For one, when a lady is not over a guy and she tries to date other dudes it’s not going to reduce the feelings, long-term. Sure—in the short term (and I’m talking hours) it might take a woman’s mind (and heart) off the original guy but those strong feelings will come back because…
…typically women who jump into the dating pool too quickly (when they’re not over the last guy) are going to attract needy, wussy beta guys. And when this happens the woman is going to be put-off by these wussy guys and their spineless, approval-seeking behavior.
And what does this do?
It makes the original guy look ALL THE MUCH BETTER. I mean, when a woman compares the guy she’s not yet over to a bunch of ‘men’ who create ZERO sexual attraction within her (and in many cases these wimps are repulsing her by their needy actions) of course thinking about the original guy is going to create feelings of want and yearning!
So what does a woman do in this situation? Well, instead of attempting to date she must surround herself with friends and family.
And yes—she’s still going to experience sadness and pain as she gets over the guy but I PROMISE the pain will lessen over time.
If this is you, don’t date wussy, beta guys in hopes it will help to get over the guy you were once with. It’s not going to help and it’s not fair to the wussy guys; think about it: you’re not into these guys and they’re into you right off the bat—don’t string them along.
Also, getting attention from needy guys you’re not interested in is not confident behavior and any woman who relishes in it needs to correct this issue within herself.
The solution: what a woman in this situation needs to do is gain more confidence (more on this later in the article).
*Of course, if you’re not over the original guy and you happen to meet other guys there’s nothing wrong with getting to know them as long as (once they make it obvious they like you and you’re simply not interested in dating them) you are up-front and tell them you’re not looking to date and you’re merely interested in getting to know them.
3. You’re Fresh Out Of a Relationship—Similar to Number 2., if a woman is fresh out of a relationship why would she want to date a guy? ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM!
You now have more free time to see friends and family! Awesome! And you can take that karate class you’ve always wanted to take! HI-YAAAAH! *breaks a piece of wood with my hand*
Seriously—a woman who’s new to being single needs to embrace the change. Of course, if this woman is a catch guys will flock to her when they learn she’s back on the market. And yes—it’s cool to go out and spend time with these guys.
These women can casually date but to jump into more serious dating too quickly makes little sense.
4. You’re Copying Your Friends—This one is a bit more cloaked. If you’re reading this you need to sit for a moment in blissful silence and consider if it currently does or ever has applied to you.
Sure—when you see a friend (or friends) with a significant other or they tell you about how great their relationship is it’s completely natural and rational for you to want a relationship as well.
*Of course, friends typically tell how great their significant other is in the beginning and the annoyances and flaws in the person they’re dating are told later on.
But when a woman sees her friends dating it can put the pressure on her. Especially if she has a group of friends and most (if not all) of them are dating or are in a committed relationship.
And it’s awesome to put yourself out there and date—but noone should simply ever date just to date.
Don’t waste your time seeing a guy you’re not really into. That wastes your time and his.
Instead, do what makes you happy. When you’re single, you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT! And you have more free time, it’s true! If there are no decent guys to date then do what makes you happy—and if that includes spending time with your friends who are in relationships then enjoy it.
There’s nothing wrong with being single and your friends aren’t judging you (and if they are, tell them you’re not going to settle with some beta guy).
I have seen both men and women date and even get into a committed relationship because they wanted to be in the same situation as their friends (dating/in a relationship). Of course, they’re not really into the other person (despite the fact they want to be—attraction isn’t a choice) and they’re wasting their time and energy in something that’s doomed to fail.
Don’t push something or rush into a relationship with someone just because other people are doing it. Settling is the worst thing ever!
5. You’re Moving—If you’re moving, you don’t want to be in a new relationship nor do you want to even consider the notion. And if you’re going to relocate and you meet a guy and like him you really should tell him you’re planning to move.
Moving is an exciting time and of course a woman is looking forward to her new life in a new place. And I’ve found that some women take care of everything on their mind prior to moving because they want a fresh start in their new place.
And this includes having sex. It’s a phenomenon I’ve encountered and I find it to be absolutely fascinating.
OK… I’m going off on a tangent here…
It doesn’t really apply to men because let’s face it—the majority of men are down for sex whenever and wherever.
Of course, women are different. They’re more selective with their sexual partners. But I’ve realized when a woman is about to move or when she’s simply visiting a city she’s more likely to have sex with a man.
I’ve had dates with a few women who were moving to another city or I’ve had dates with women who were visiting from another city or country (the most common of the two scenarios) and either of these women are waaaaaaay more likely to push the fact they want to sleep with me that night.
This phenomenon is similar to some women who visit Vegas and end up doing things they would never do in their hometown (if you know what I mean).
Where am I going with this? Well, if you understand the phenomenon I’m talking about then you understand why a woman might want to sleep with a guy prior to moving. Perhaps it’s a way of closing the book of living somewhere on a high note.
And if you plan to do this, let the guy know in advance. He’ll probably still want to have sex with you but at least he’ll know the true situation.
6. You’re Pregnant/Just Had a Baby—A baby is cute. He or she is also a job-and-a-half. A mom-to-be is up for a huge endeavor—a baby is going to cause you to sleep less and do more.
This is definitely not an equation for successfully dating somebody new—especially if you’re working and/or going to school.
If you’ve got people to rely on (family, friends, etc.) to help free up some time for you to date them it’s an option but wouldn’t you prefer to use this time with friends and family (a sure thing) rather than spending a few hours on a date with a guy you probably won’t end up dating?
Chances are, you agree. And chances are, you have a question regarding new-mom dating….
So when is it easier for a woman with a baby to date? Well, quite simply: when it works for you.
Once the baby is older (say, eight months old) he or she can be cared for much easier by a friend or family member. And that frees up some time for you.
Of course, you’ll probably want to do something else (like sleep or to do some much-needed errands) but if you want to go on a date in hopes of getting to know someone who’s potentially special then do what feels right for you.
But attempting to date someone new when the baby is weeks or months old is probably not such a good idea.
7. You’re Under a Lot of Stress—When you’re dating you want to attract the guy who’s right for you. And it’s tough to make a good impression when you’re not your best self.
Of course, stress keeps a person from being their best self. Stress makes a person on edge, unhappy and in a generally bad mood.
Perhaps a person’s stress is not long-term—maybe it’s a super important project at work or it’s dealing with a crazy roommate.
In this case, I would advise the person not to date and to work toward alleviating the stress-causing problem.
Now, if the stress is more general and there’s not one set thing to blame for it I would suggest the person speak with a counselor to better pinpoint the cause (or causes) of stress as well as how to minimize, cope with and hopefully defeat it.
And as mentioned in the video above, if you’re caring for an ill family member or friend and you’re experiencing sadness and stress it’s completely fine to spend time with others—especially if they’ve gone through something similar to what you’re enduring—just don’t try to date that person .
And when the stress has been dealt with and this person is feeling happiness and goodness it’s now time to consider dating.
8. You Have Anger Issues—If you have anger issues or open emotional wounds you must address them. This is very important and it goes far beyond dating as it impacts your happiness and overall mental state.
Being emotionally unavailable falls under this category as well.
If your anger or emotional pain came to you against your will or when you were a child you must especially address it. It’s OK to be unhappy or angry about what happened but you must learn how to accept what happened has happened and you must learn how to stop punishing others (or yourself) because of what someone else did to you.
I recommend counseling to cope with and lessen any feelings of anger, pain or shame. There’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help—in fact, you should be commended for it—because you have the guts to address the problem and to give yourself a way to deal with it in a loving way.
We all have issues, problems and bad things that happened to us. Sometimes these things happened outside of our control. But it’s our choice to address them and minimize or fix their negative influence in our lives; only after this can a person live the life he or she wants to live and this includes the dating portion of one’s life, as well.
Healing is the path to one’s happiness (and greatness).
9. You’re Unemployed—Although being without a job means having a lot of free time, that time should be spent looking for a new job.
Of course, if you’re in high school or college and you don’t need a job then it’s all good—you can be jobless. But if you’re older or you have bills to pay then securing employment is more important than dating, wouldn’t you say?
And to address the other puppy in the room—no—getting a sugar daddy isn’t a solution because a sugar daddy is typically a beta male who’s trading money for affection.
If you need a job then by all means meet people and network but don’t waste time meeting guys for dates.
10. You’re Insecure—*Screeeetch!* I know—so many women will skip over this one but it’s best to look inside and screen one’s soul and mind as to whether there’s insecurity. Most people have a lot of it, some have a little bit and a few have none.
Let’s get this out of the way—nobody’s perfect. Not even Kate Upton. And I bet Kate Upton has things about her body and personality she doesn’t like.
I’ve dated a lot of attractive women and some of them were insanely insecure. Some had body issues, where they saw flaws when everyone else only saw beauty.
And some had other issues—including jealousy and envy.
But the wonderful thing is insecurity issues like these can be worked on and defeated—even extreme cases that can be downright dangerous like anorexia or bulimia.
Yes—these diseases are caused by insecurity and they’re often not based in reality—it resides in a distorted perception only within that person’s mind.
I have friends who have dealt with these diseases and won. They now see themselves as beautiful both inside and out and now embrace who they are both physically and psychologically.
And yes—a person can be insecure for many reasons. And although some people need professional counseling to work through their issues many others can tackle the problem by improving themselves through confidence building exercises such as affirmations.
Affirmations are when you repeat a positive statement to yourself—typically when you’re looking at yourself in the mirror. If you’ve never done them before this might sound a bit odd but take it from me—IT WORKS!
It can boost confidence and both identify and fix problems or negative thinking.
An insecure woman isn’t going to feel better simply by finding a guy to date (maybe in the short-term but definitely not in the long-term). Because sooner or later this woman will feel her insecurities and they will only be made worse now that she’s in a relationship (now she might worry about him cheating, she’ll deal with jealousy, etc.).
As I’ve said in other articles and videos, ‘You will date someone with the same confidence level as yourself.’ So if you’re insecure you will date someone of the same confidence level. And that just plain sucks.
Instead, better yourself and get more confident and you will attract a man who’s more confident and the odds of you and he both feeling (and being) fulfilled in the relationship will be much higher.
Again: an insecure woman must first work on becoming more confident and must address and work on her issues. The two go hand-in-hand. Looking for guys to date won’t help (not unless he’s got a close friend or family member who is a good therapist!).
11. You’re a Party Girl—Party girls like to have fun with their friends. They like to go out and do what they want to do. And this works best when they’re unattached.
Let’s get this straight: a party girl has every right to be a party girl. But if she wants to do what she wants to do then why does she want a boyfriend? A boyfriend means commitment.
And the vast majority of guys are going to get in the way of a party girl’s partying.
Yes—there are party guys out there. And a lot of them aren’t in a relationship because they want to do what they want to do (which typically consists of drinking and sleeping with women).
A party girl wants to do what she wants to do and meet who she wants to meet.
Her schedule is often a bit crazy and lots of things go down on a whim whether it’s a weekend out of town with her friends or attending a concert or party at a specific venue with little time nor thought prior to going.
Most guys will try to control a party girl and it only causes her to run into the arms of her partying friends.
Party hard, party girls but don’t attempt to date seriously as it will cause heartache—and you don’t want to be signing It’s My Party I Can Cry If I Want To.
12. You’re On a Break With Someone—Whether a woman is on a break with a boyfriend or even her husband, to date is not a good idea. And this is less about her and more about the guys.
I’ve hung out with a few women whom I learned later were “on a break” with their boyfriends or husbands. Heck, maybe they weren’t even ‘on a break’ and merely told me that… I don’t know for certain.
Now, I can understand why a woman who is on a break wants to meet new men. She wants to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side….
But if this is the case then please be up-front about it and let the other man know you’re on a break.
Also, it’s a good idea to practice the golden rule. A woman who’s on a break with her boyfriend/husband/fiancé needs to consider his feelings. How would he feel if he learns she’s seeing other men on the break?
Of course, if this has been talked about and he’s seeing other women and she’s seeing other men then that’s fine. But if it hasn’t been addressed or if it has (and he’s not going to see other women) then realize that seeing other men could cause potential problems and that ‘break’ could become a broken relationship as a result.
Remember—you’re on a break—you’re not broken up.
And as mentioned, any new man she dates (while she’s on her break) needs to know her situation so he can choose whether or not he wants to get to know you.
Personally, I would not pursue a woman romantically if she’s on a break for several reasons including A) I don’t want to cause the relationship to fail when she wants to date me and B) I don’t sleep with women who are in a relationship as a break does not mean the woman is single.
As mentioned, a woman can be up-front and honest and can get to know new people, but looking to date someone while on a break is probably not the right thing to do.
13. You’re Looking for a Guy to ‘Complete’ You—As I cover in the video above, Hollywood feeds us a load of crap that is often misconstrued. For example, in my video I mention that famous line in the Tom Cruise film Jerry Maguire.
Now don’t get me wrong—it’s a good movie. Cruise and Renee Zellweger are awesome in the film (as is a hilarious Cuba Gooding Jr.) but like a lot of other romantic comedy films, it’s unreal garbage when it comes to relationships and what they should be.
Why do I say this?
Because of the famous line in the film: “You complete me.”
I can hear some of my readers now… But Karl, it’s so romantic!
Reality: A person cannot complete you. Sure, they can compliment you or be your equal but they can never complete you.
We’re not Transformer figures that magically become an epic, better Transformer when a bunch of us join together as one.
“Again, a person cannot complete you. In order for a successful, IDEAL relationship you need to be complete with or without him.”
Now that’s a quote I can get behind!
Just having a significant other isn’t going to bring a person happiness and fulfillment.
Don’t ever settle because having another significant other isn’t going to magically make you happy.
Some women say, “I live a great life. The only thing that could make it better is a great guy.”
And to this I say: Awesome.
These women get it. They’re ready for a great guy who’s not going to complete her but is there to share in her life. She adds to his life, he adds to her life. It’s a beautiful thing.
Again, a person (or another external force) isn’t going to make you happy. You must be happy now. Internally.
Be already complete.
Be already awesome.
Be already full.
14. You Make the Same Mistakes—Different women do this in different ways. But the one commonality is there’s a pattern. The key is to notice the pattern and address the problem.
For instance, some women tend to only date bad boys. They finally realize it, perhaps through personal realization or maybe because a friend or family member has made them aware of the fact.
So what’s a girl to do? Easy!
1. Stop dating
2. Take step back and through the help of counseling or personal development, learn/realize the reason (or reasons) you’re attracted to this type of man
3. With your new understanding, plan accordingly
Let’s take a woman who likes bad boys as an example:
1. She stops dating
2. Through seeing a counselor she realizes she’s not so much attracted to bad boys as she’s unattracted to needy, wussy, beta guys and she dates bad boys because they don’t act like beta men. She realizes she wants a confident, fun, alpha man who doesn’t possess the bad qualities of a classic bad boy such as being inconsiderate and not caring about her well-being
3. She realizes she can find a man she’s attracted to who isn’t a classic bad boy. And so she starts going to places where such men might be—and she meets her awesome new boyfriend when she joins a co-ed group based around training for running a marathon—a group that has men who are confident, love a challenge, love to push themselves, don’t mind failure and set goals for themselves
With the plan above you’ll be able to pinpoint the problem and create a plan to move forward to achieve success. Realize the traits these men possess that cause the relationship to not work out.
And when you meet new men keep an eye out to quickly discover these trait(s).
And of course, be smart—if a woman keeps dating men who have a drinking problem yet she meets them all at a bar then it would be wise for her to meet men somewhere else—such as a healthy cooking class or a hiking club.
So kindly sit down and write down the traits of your past failed relationships. You’ll notice a pattern (or patterns). Realize it, learn from your past mistakes, fix it, meet a great guy and send me a gift basket as a way of saying thanks. 😀
15. You’re Negative and You’re Cynical—Some people are overly negative and cynical. And it’s no surprise a person who is either of these or both shouldn’t date.
Now I know what some of you are thinking—some people are naturally cynical… and these people are often HILARIOUS and fun to be around because they crack awesome jokes at just the right time.
Use your gut to measure this as there can sometimes be a fine line between being a charming cynic and a miserable cynic.
I’m sure you know people who dislike life, dislike others, and although most of them won’t admit it, they also dislike themselves.
They blame their problems and/or bad day on other factors and they let these things dictate their poor mood and demeanor.
It’s not enjoyable being around these people and having to date one of them would not be an enjoyable experience to put it mildly.
And realize this: a person is angry or cynical because they’ve been hurt in the past.
So if people accuse you of being angry or cynical, it could very well be true. The key to overcoming it is to discover where the anger and/or cynicism is coming from and why.
Counseling can help as can meditation. Keeping a journal can be beneficial as well. Once you discover the why you can move forward, heal the anger and pain, and most importantly you can change your thoughts by having a much more positive outlook on life.
When you realize the reason(s) for your anger and you address them you can overcome it. And this can be done by affirmations as well as a few other exercises, one being this: when you’re laying in bed prior to going to sleep think about three things you’re most thankful for.
It can be anything, from the nice dinner you cooked for yourself to the fact you have a roof over your head. It’s amazing—the more often one does this the more the anger and cynicism melts from the mind, only to be replaced by thankfulness and peace.
And when you’re happy you’re ready to date.
Wow—we just went through a list of 15 reasons why a woman shouldn’t be dating! You’re a trooper!
Thank you so much for reading this blog article and I sincerely hope it helped you as I’m here to assist you in finding the ideal man for you. If you have any questions or comments please use the comment box below.
PS. I want you to experience happiness with an awesome, wonderful man—the ideal man for you! To keep receiving my newest articles and videos and to be entered to win some cool prizes make certain you subscribe:
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